Many parents of teens struggle with their teenager at some point due to their lack of motivation. For some, it may be an issue of school work or college applications, for others it may deal more with sports and extracurricular activities or helping out around the house. Whatever the issue may be, we have a few tips that should help you with your unmotivated teen.
First things first, most teens really are not unmotivated. They are definitely motivated to do something, just not what you want them to do. Some teens go through a phase where their main motivation is to resist. They desire to resist whatever it is that you want them to do. They are learning to assert themselves and make decisions independently, which is a natural part of growing up. However, it can be very frustrating for parents and detrimental to the success and well being of the child if left unaddressed.
Your teen may feel powerless, and therefore they respond by withholding. This is the only way that they are able to retain some of the power they feel like you have over them. This may point to a lack of skills, social and problem solving. The good thing is that if your teen is withholding, not getting out of bed, failing to do homework, refusing to help around the house, you know where you need to start. Instead of yelling at them, arguing, and attempting to coax them into behaving the way you would like, enforce consequences.
For many parents this is the difficult part. No one wants to see their kids fail at anything. The truth is they may need to feel what the consequences are for their behavior without your interference. If they do not do their homework, their grades will reflect that. If you set up a structure for chores and they fail to comply give them a consequence such as no television or no going out. Be sure to enforce your rules and follow through with the consequences. Give your teen the choice and the space to make their own decision.
It is also important to build in opportunities for rewards for doing what is right. Celebrate their successes, encourage them to stay motivated for the right reasons. If they earn all A’s reward them, take them out to dinner, brag to your friends about them, etc. You can even build in checkpoints. If they complete a certain number of college applications by a certain time let them choose the restaurant for that week’s family dinner. The options are endless!
Remember, everyone is motivated towards something. As a parent of a teen, your focus may be to shift that motivating factor towards something positive. Help them retain their sense of power by giving them choices, but also allow them to experience the consequences of poor decisions in a way that is constructive and non-harmful.
